Monday, June 6, 2011

Do You Ever Feel Like An Idiot?

You're about to real some brutal honesty here...

Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel like a complete idiot?
Where you'd love to go back in time a bit and start over...

Well, today, that happened to me.
I also got a real wake up call showing me exactly where I am lacking in life.
In where I should be and the person I should be.
It's a good thing... just hard to swallow.

I already basically knew this, but it just hit me a lot harder tonight. It all became a lot more clear for me to see.

You know what I am talking about... It's that come out of nowhere; didn't expect it coming; hit you over the head kinda lesson to learn.
Tonight I learned that I have a whole lot of love and virtue to grow in before truly loving. 

My fiance is getting to go on a really awesome trip this summer and in total honesty, I was a bit jealous way jealous, wishing I could hop on the plane and fly away with him. It'd be the perfect summer trip.

It is really hard… Not, not being able to go, but even worse, seeing myself clearly for how much I need to grow and how much more I need to completely love him...and others.
(The part of not being able to go is pretty hard too though, but in time, I can get over that. This seeing myself in the super clear light... that's what harder to get over.)
Love is patient and kind, 
It is never jealous, 
Love is never boastful or conceited, 
It is never rude or selfish, 
It does not take offense, 
Nor is it resentful. 
Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; 
It is always ready to excuse, 
to trust, 
to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Love does not come to an end. There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.
Corinthians 13: 4-8

I love this bible verse, but I guess I forget to remember that part about being jealous.

This was a hard lesson learned tonight. I am more upset by my feelings and seeing how jealous I was than the fact that I am not going. Wake up calls are good, but like I said, sometimes very hard to swallow.

I am thankful for the lesson learned, but still wish I could go back in time a bit and start over.


  1. hide the journey of this pain in your heart and just remember God's mercies are new every morning. You are loved and treasured. Another life lesson I just learned from you is to write it, be accountable for it and move on. I love you.

  2. So proud of you! :D It's good that you realized this now than later. Like my mother says, "Jealousy kills love." It will be hard at first to get to thinking to trust and get rid of that jealousy but you know what? You can do it!! And when you do, you wont have to worry about feeling that way again. I got to observe two cases before. **cheering for you***

    From SITS :D