Monday, June 29, 2015

momma mondays: baby button

Life has certainly thrown a lot at our family lately. A lot. Honestly, somedays it is more than I feel capable of handling. From the terrible twos to the passing of my father-in-law and everything in between. And then we found out that our sweet boy was not quite up to speed in his growth rate and that there were some complications to monitor. Normally, I would go into complete and utter panic mode. I am a worry wort to the core. I worry about things my kids will do in their teens. They are not even three yet. Not being hysterical with worry and anxiety is a complete miracle in and of itself. Of course I'm on the edge of my seat at each appointment for the latest news and I've left with tears in my eyes at a few of them, but all in all, St. Padre Pio is totally holding me up here with "Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry." He has been my lifeline through it all. 

I have been so weak and broken from losing my father-in-law and trying to help my husband deal with life without his dad, and then adding on the incredibly tiring days with our three little ones right now, that maybe all I can be is strong through this. But it has certainly been hard. I will continue to have bi-weekly appointments with two doctors up until "Button's" arrival. They will monitor the issue and at one of those appointments they will pretty much just tell me it's a go. I may have no warning as to when he is coming, whether it be this week or in four.

Chances are, even though his scheduled arrival date is supposed to be August 24th, he will be showing up even within the next few weeks. So if you all would, please do us a favor and pray that things don't continue to go downhill and that our littlest guy can stay inside as long as possible. We are gearing up for a long road and learning what life in the NICU will be like, but hopefully with all of the prayers, he won't need to spend as much time as I am preparing for. If any of you have experience with a preemie/NICU baby, please send any tips my way! 

So many people are so kind to us, asking how things are going already and if there is a way they can be updated along the way, so I created an Instagram account. I think it may be the easiest and quickest way for me to keep everyone updated. Feel free to follow along at @teambabybutton and #teambabybutton

We will know more in the days and weeks to come as to what life will be like and when he will be arriving and I will try to keep everyone as updated as I can there. And as for my blog... Oh, how I do hope to keep up with this some how and in some way. But please continue to be patient with me as we figure out what is next for us. 

Sunday, June 21, 2015

a beautiful, hard day

Today brings beauty and joy, but yet pain and sadness for all of us, but especially my husband. It is our first Father's Day without his Dad with us. We all so greatly miss him and still cannot figure out life without him. My husband will have to experience balancing the sadness with the great joy of being a father himself. And an amazing father he is. One of the last things my father-in-law said to me in person when he was visiting and in a text a few days before he passed away, was how proud he was of my husband and the father he is. To me, that is one of the greatest joys to know. I was so thankful he shared that with me and I was sure to share the thoughts of his dad along to my husband.

Today we will all be remembering each of the men in our lives that have been father figures to us. Our own fathers, our fathers-in-law, our grandfathers, godfathers, and any men that took on a role of a fatherly figure to us. I am so blessed with an amazing Dad who is an endless giver and a real man of faith. I had two grandfathers that meant the world to me, one passing when I was young and one just a short time ago. And a grandfather still with me, that I was overly blessed to receive when I met Gus. He loves me just like his granddaughter and I love him equally... or maybe more! ;) I have a godfather that brings so much joy, love and laughter to me and I am truly blessed he is mine. My father-in-law will be held in an incredibly special place in my heart as well. He was much more than just my husband's father. From the first times I was in his company, even before any talk of Gus and I getting married, we had a sweet bond. He brought me so, so much laughter and joy. And today, I remember my husband. Our children are truly our greatest gift and I am beyond blessed to raise them with him. 

Our days have been hard lately. Parenting. Life. Loss. All of it. But together, we can get through it all, with love and faith. And I do thank God each and every day that my little ones have the Papi that they do have. They adore him with every ounce of their being. Zelie has the biggest crush on him and our little "Button" will follow along with the others I am sure. He means the world to them now in their young ages, but they don't even quite know the amazingness that he truly is to have in their lives. They will learn that clearly later in life.

I thought I'd share a few recent pictures of Gus and the kids. These are what make my life so full. I am so thankful I have memories like these captured.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

surviving the unimaginable

You always think you won't be the one that tragedy hits. At least I thought that. Sure, hard things happen and life gets hard. But those really hard, tragic times. No, it'd never happen to us. Please God don't let it be us. But one month ago today, our family was hit with the greatest tragedy I hope any of us ever have to go through. 

My father-in-law passed away very young and very unexpected. I will never ever forget how that morning played out, the moment my brother-in-law called my husband to tell him, watching his reaction out the window while he was on the back deck, running out to see what happened, and taking the phone from him talking to my mother-in-law. I will never forget any of it. And from that moment until today, one month later, life has been beyond hard. Completely unimaginable. I can't wrap my mind and heart around it and many days I feel like it is not real and somehow he is just gone or away for right now.

I fear the future for our whole family. My mother-in-law, my husband and his brother, my kids, myself and my sister-in-law. Life is going to be so different. There will be no more memories with him in it. I've only known him for seven years. Seven way too short years. But some how, he filled those seven years with so much love and kindness and so many memories for me, that I too felt like I lost a lifetime of love. Sure it in no way compares to the feeling of loss my mother-in-law, husband and brother-in-law, but my heart still aches with incredible pain. 

My little guys only had 2 years with him and Zelie less than a year. He knew about Button and was so excited for another grandchild. I am so, so grateful they were all so close with him and loved him so much. There was no one quite like their Grandvater. Some of us worry they won't remember him, but they are smart little ones and by us telling them about him and reminding them of the memories they made with him, they will know who he was. 

My mother-in-law, though completely broken from his loss, is the strongest and most faithful lady I have ever met. In HER time of complete grief, she was our rock of strength and our pillar of faith. She is amazing and never failed to blow me away during the three weeks we spent with her. I pray that if I were ever in her shoes, I'd be half the woman she is in dealing with the tragedy.

Watching my husband grieve the loss of his dad has been heartbreaking and a tragedy in and of itself for me. Helping him walk through these difficult weeks has been so incredibly painful for me. I don't have the best words, I can't do anything to take the pain away or even lessen it. There is absolutely nothing I can really do to help the situation. I try to wrack my brain for any ways to help him, anything to lift his spirits. But sometimes just being there, so he knows I'm here but have given him the space is what I have to do. He may need to talk to someone other than me, or hug someone other than me. That is so hard for me, but whatever it be that he needs, I do. 

We have lost a husband, Papi, Grandvater, son-in-law, and brother-in-law. He was a blessed man to be part of our amazing family, but we were each blessed to have him so special to us. Please keep his soul and our family in your prayers, but especially our Mami, my brother-in-law, and my precious husband. And If any of you have dealt with a loss so painful and have found helpful ways of getting through each day with this new, hard normal, please pass along your suggestions.

I love this picture of the two of us. It was the night before I married his son. We were family long before, but you can see the love and happiness in our eyes. I loved being family with him. And I will always love our memories and keep them tucked in a deep place in my heart. And I will share every ounce of that love and those memories with his "anklekinder" grandkids. We will drink milkshakes and sit and talk about him. We will dance to Taylor Swift. We will browse Swarovski stores. And we will watch silly YouTube videos. We will always love you, Papi.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Momma Mondays: I'm Back!

I've been gone for a long time, but I was gone for a reason. 
Yep! We will be a family of six comes August! Life has been c r a z y! A newborn, two two year olds, morning sickness and first trimester exhaustion. I wish I could get my mind in order enough to be back on a regular basis, but it may still be a bit off and on. Bear with me if you would. I just wanted to come back today, as a fresh start in June to let you know CiaoMarezy was still alive. 

We will have four children under the age of three when our little "Button" comes. Baby four has been affectionately named "Button" by the boys. The scary thing. It's sticking. But there is no way we are going with a celebrity-like name. Apple, North, Button... Nope. We'll share soon whether we are having a boy or a girl, but I have a feeling Button will remain it's name for a while.

I really can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will have four such young children. Four kids doesn't scare me at all, it's the fact that our two oldest will not even have celebrated their third birthday yet! A few people have said, "Oh, three is a lot harder than four! You'll be fine." But my oldest isn't going to be a helpful seven year old and the one under isn't five. I'll have two soon-to-be three year olds, an almost one year old and a newborn. If any of you have littles so young and close in age, I welcome any tips! 

While this is going to be one wild ride, we are so excited to add to our family! Hopefully sooner than later I will figure out this crazy life and get back on the blogging schedule! I certainly miss it!