Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Mood You Choose To Be In

I'm thinking of some wise words from Papi today (my father-in-law).
There's a switch. You just flip it on and be in a better mood.
I realized I can at least try to control my mood.
The past few days I've been in a bit of a funk, a down mood.
I'll give you a little bit of the history leading up to this current feeling that has come over me.
Rewind back to one week ago today, Saturday. 
Mono and I were spending the weekend at my parents to be with my Mom for Mother's Day. 
We drove up Saturday afternoon, stopped in for a quick hair cut for Mono and headed over to their house. We enjoyed the afternoon with them and then spent the evening with my aunt, uncle and cousins. They had a really lovely dinner to celebrate Mother's Day and then afterwards a nice cake for me, as well as wonderful gifts for our boys.
They were not going to be able to make my baby shower, so they wanted to have a little something at their house before we headed on our way up North early this week.
So Saturday was great.
Now we jump on over to Sunday, Mother's Day, my first Mother's Day.
We enjoyed a leisurely morning and then met up with my aunt, uncle and cousins again for a nice brunch. We had such a great time and the food was yummy. On our way home I was so tired so I told everyone I was going to take it easy and take a nap when we got home, before we had to head back out, to Church.
I didn't get much of a nap in, but at least I got some rest.
Rest is always good!
We went to Mass together and then went back to my parents house for a little more visiting and to pick up Jimmy.
We had everything loaded in the car, including Jimmy, and we were saying our good byes, when my Mother's Day turned into one giant scare.

To cut out some of the details, I ended up having to be brought to the hospital right away. I was having some symptoms/problems that were bad signs this early in my pregnancy. My Mom called the emergency phone line for my doctor and they wanted to see me immediately.
Only problem... we were an hour away and there was torrential rain outside.
Jimmy went back into my Mom and Dad's house; Mono and I headed on our way for the hospital; my parents got their things and jumped in their car to follow us down there.
We arrived at the hospital and I was put in a room and hooked up to all sorts of monitors.
My first thought from the very beginning was something was wrong with at least one of the boys. I just kept praying to The Blessed Mother to help my body be strong for them and for them to be healthy. I did not want to be spending my first Mother's Day in tears. There were a lot of those, but I just tried to stay calm and pray. The prayers were my lifesaver. 

While laying there in the hospital bed, all hooked up, I sat there with complete fright and unknown. 
How bad was the situtaion?
Are both boys okay?
Is one of them in danger?
What is going wrong?
There were so many questions flying through my mind.

The nurse came in to see if she could hear their heart beats. With the machine she was using at first, I knew the chances were slim to none for hearing both boys hearts beating. Just as I had anticipated, only one was heard. 
Even though I knew that this was not an accurate test, I had a flood of even more tears and fear wash over me. My prayers continued, but it did not alleviate all the pain (mental) I was in. I was left laying there, now having to wait hours for the next machine to be used, to know if in fact there really was a second heart beat.
The time between both tests was excruciating. Mono and my parents were all with me in the room, just trying to keep me calm and distracted. I know they were all feeling the same feelings I was, but they all remained amazingly strong for me. I am so grateful for that. 
Late that night, the ultrasound machine finally arrived!
I had never been happier nor more scared to see that machine in my life!
I was happy to have it finally in my room so I could know how both of my sweet boys were doing, but at the very same time, I didn't know if I wanted to know yet... just in case signs were not for the best.
I told the sweet lady doing my ultrasound that I couldn't look. And she asked why, and I said I didn't want to know anything until I knew there were two heartbeats. She immediately calmed my fears and smiled and said, "Oh they are both here, beating very strong!" I just started crying and thanking God for His goodness! I joked with everyone that I was very happy to see the boys on Mother's Day, but I was not happy that they chose to do it this way. I would have been fine waiting to celebrate Mother's Day with them next year, worry free, hospital free. 
For the next fifteen minutes maybe (the time could be way off), we all sat there getting amazing glimpses of the two little trouble makers.
One of them was even opening and closing his hand, like he was waving to us! They were more than adorable and at that moment, I was ever so thankful to be a mom.
Then a short while later I was moved to my room I'd be staying in over night and for the rest of the stay. My parents made sure I was settled in there and then they headed home for their hour drive home. They got home early the next morning. And thankfully, Mono stayed with me. He got some things out of the car, that we thankfully already had with us from the visit to my parents, and he ran out for some dinner for himself. It was so nice to have him there with me and know our boys were okay. I couldn't sleep well that night with the monitors on and the constant check-ins from the nurses, but the boys were okay and Mono was with me so I had no other cares in the world.

That day showed me the strength I'd need, the graces and prayers I'd need, to be a mom.
It reminded me how precious the gift of life really is.
And it surely made me even more excited for them to arrive, safe and healthy in my arms.
(my Mother's Day gift from my Mono)
Okay, so that was Sunday. I was in the hospital until late on Monday and then I finally came home... on bed rest. I went back for a follow up check up on Thursday and they are keeping me on bed rest until further notice... which means, no trip to New York for my baby shower and no long beach vacation in Florida.... leading to my down mood.
(going home)
Between morning sickness and bed rest, I have spent a lot of time on this couch of mine. Both trips were getting me crazy excited! I couldn't wait to be in New York, seeing most of our family and friends, celebrating the boys. We were also going to spend some time in the city with my brother and sister-in-law, and Mami, which would have been a ton of fun. I had it all planned out in my mind and really had no thoughts that anything would hinder us from going. And the trip to the beach, ahhhhh, I was anticipating every single thing about it! I thought the days of complete relaxation and enjoyment would do me good. I was also going to make a stop in the Disney area to enjoy a birthday dinner with my sweet friend...
And to add to the list, Mami was going to be visiting soon and we were planning on some fun things, even day trips, but now we are just going to be able to sit on the couch and lay low. Any visit with her is great, but this time, I wish we could have done more. Gotten out a bit.
With all of that not happening, the worries of making sure I take it easy for the boys, and just being stuck on the couch all together has gotten me rather down lately. 

I had a really hard time yesterday and today dealing with the fact that I was laying on the couch and not with everyone I was looking forward to seeing. I tried my hardest today to not think about it too much and found little things to brighten my day. It didn't work great, but I had to try. I sat outside and got fresh air a few times. I painted a fresh coat of polish on my nails. Things like that. I could have done better, but hey, I'm still learning!

I have to learn more how to turn on that switch like Papi says and work at my mood; not letting it take over completely.

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